Happy Holidays or aka: Bah Humbug
Mood:  blue
We're going out of town for the Holiday. I can't say as I'm entirely happy about it, but I understand.

Peter's dad has been really sick because of Peter's new job we haven't been able to go down and see him much. So, we're going down there for the long weekend.

The problem is... Thanksgiving Dinner. You see, unlike many people I LOVE cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I love planning it, and looking up new recipes. I usually spend the entire month of November working on this one event.

The day of, I get to be a queen of my domain. I have my plan, I execute it, dinner (and the courses before and after it) come out just as I intended. I am in my element. I am a DOMESTIC GODDESS. And every woman should should get to be a Goddess at least once a year.

But this year, no planning, no happy anticipation of the looks of 'food lust' on the faces of my family. It's really put a dent in my Holiday Spirit and I hate it.

Even putting the Christmas decorations up over the weekend really didn't help. It's just not the Holiday Season without Pies cooling on the table and a bird defrosting in the Fridge.

Worse - on Thursday we'll be eating STORE BOUGHT dinners. That's right, even though I offered to make dinner for everyone - instead we're going to have Thanksgiving in a bag.

Maybe shopping on Friday will help.

I'll let you know.

Another quiz
I knew this was true - it's just kind of funny to see it in print...

A stupid quiz
Yeah - I can't be bothered to form a 'real' entry but I can post a quiz? I'll give a real update soon.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What's funny about this is the "You thik of love as something you don't need." Which really is true. One of the things that makes Peter and I so great is I love him and yes I need him, but I realize my life would go on without him. That I'm an OK person alone... Funny eh?

Revelations and Introspect
Mood:  happy
I had a revelation the other day.

I carry a lot of guilt about my divorce. I swore it was something I would never do. It went against everything I believed in, personally and religiously. I know the hell I put my children through because I went through it myself. I had no explanation for it other then, I had to. I did not like the person I had become while living with my ex. But, to put them through a divorce simply because _I_ couldn't handle being married to their father? That seemed so selfish of me. The logic I tried to feed myself didn't help. I didn't really believe that I was allowing myself to be a 'better mother' by moving out of the house. But I knew deep down inside I HAD to get out. Tack on the fact that I believe that God frowns on divorce and that marriage is sacred, and you can about guess that I've been living with a great big cloud of guilt for a very long time.

But the other day I realized something. When I was married to Richard I was unhappy. So desperately unhappy that there were occasions when I contemplated taking my own life. I had even locked myself in the bathroom once with a bottle of pills. Two things stopped me. One was something a good friend had told me, "Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can commit." I couldn't bear the thought that _I_ would be committing such an act. And two, was something a marriage counselor had said. He told me that Satin wants nothing more then for us to die and be permanently separated from God. When someone commits suicide, Satin wins. We'll I'm a pretty stubborn person, and in my own way competitive, I couldn't let Satin win!

Looking back now I realize that given the level of my unhappiness, I really did do the right thing. Sure, putting my kids through the divorce was selfish. But dieing would have been even MORE so, and frankly I was at the point that those were my only two choices. And yes, divorce might be a sin. Sometimes I wonder if in my case it really was, but either way, at least it's a sin I'm alive to be forgiven for and that's certainly the lesser of two evils. If there is such a thing.

I'm not sure if this revelation changes anything really. Does it lesson my feelings of guilt? To a degree, yes. What does that mean? I'm not sure. It may change the way I interact with my ex. That would be a good thing. I still let him get away with riding roughshod over me a little too often. It may change the way I interact with my children a little too. I'm lucky that they are basically good kids because in recent years I have let them get away with things I probably shouldn't have, trying to somehow 'make it up to them'. Perhaps I can hold my head up a little higher. Perhaps I can step back into a church and not feel like it's going to fall down around my ears. Or, perhaps nothing changes but that small secret part of my heart that's been holding onto this for over four years.

Only time will tell.

My life IS a nutshell
Peter's dad came out of the hospital was home three days and went back in again - relaps. Now it looks like he's given up. Peter's sister is down there and calls Peter every day or so to preach doom and gloom. Things like - "You know Dad's on Morphine..." and "He's sleeping all the time now.." and "He's lost control of his 'plumbing' now..." When Peter hears the other side of it he's told.. "Yeah, they gave him morphine because he was having pain in his leg and knee that was keeping him from sleeping." And "Yeah! He's finally catching up on his sleep - He hardly slept at all for about a week there." and "He Hadn't had a BM for a few days so they gave me an enima - wow things are clear now.." So who knows what's going on. sometimes it seems like Peter's sister WANTS him to die she spends so much time predicting that he's going to. So who knows what the whole story is. Peter seems to be doing ok. He's refusing to be on 'death watch' and has basically said, "It'll happen when it happens. We've been lucky to have him this long." He's more worried about making sure his mom is taken care of 'after'... while all his sister seems to want to talk about is how much the two of them are going to inherit. I guess everyone deals with this stuff differently.

Peter's job is going great. He's been in training for two weeks and will be for two more. He waffles back and forth between how easy it is, and how complicated. I'm sure he's going to be fine and MAN the extra money is a BIG help.

I had a job interview last week. It'll be at least another week before I hear if I get called in for the second round. It sounds like it would a challenging position, and it would be closer to home, and has a possiblity for more money - keep your fingers crossed for me.

Lastly -
Richard called me last night and displayed his 'I'm never resposable for my own actions' attitude. He never did come out and say exactly what he wanted, but suggest we 'talk' about money. It seems he's desided that if I had given My Daughter "C" the Jeep as I said I was going to, she would have been driving IT when she had her accident and HE wouldn't be stuck without a car. How's that for rich? He let me know that he had paid for C's Insurance with the understanding the _I_ would provider her with a car. I not sure he desided that was fair, but ok. so? But now he's not going to pay for her insurance any more because she's had an accident and he can't afford it. Ok so? I guess he wants ME to pay for it? Or give HIM the jeep? I don't know he never said - just other day in Richard Cranium land I guess.

He's BACK!
Peter's back - I'm back - we're back

Live is good good good.

I flew in Friday night and got to to have an excellent reunion with my honey. He met me at the Airport and then drove me to the Hotel Room he had rented for the night. I was SO GLAD. It gave us some private time to enjoy each other before going over to his parents house.

His dad continues to improve and his mom seems to be doing well. In all I would say our prayers have been answered. In fact, his dad is doing better now then before he even got 'sick'. W're all really grateful and excited about this improvement in health.

AND - Peter starts his job tomorrow! YAY! He's excited about his opportunity and we're both so relived to have a second income once again. With this seperation fresh in our minds to remind us how much we NEED each other, Peter has a renewed enthusiasm to make our trip to Scotland to get married a reality. Who am I to argue??

Probably the only negative in all this is that it's made Peter just a little bit scared. Scared because he realized how much he needs me, needs US and afraid that something's going to happen and he's going to lose me. Rather ironic that that's how I felt when he went away last time. SO INSECURE. I'm doing everything I can reassure him and giving him a TON of love an attention.

Honestly, some days I can't belive how lucky I am. In spite of all our recent throubles: health, money etc we never had problems with 'us'. Through everything the one thing we could count on was each other. I swear there are days I feel like I'm living in a fairytail. If I am - please, I don't ever want to see "The End".

Two more sleeps
Mood:  celebratory
Just two more sleeps until I see my honey again! Yay! In the meanwhile I guess I better clean the house... I kindof let things go while he was gone.. heh.

Updates
Mood:  a-ok
My sweety is still out of town. This is the longest we've been apart EVER and it's killing us. The good news, only three more 'sleeps' before we're back together.

His dad is improving drastically and we're all very thankful for that. Peter has been hanging out at the house getting everything ready for him to come home. Cleaning, painting and generally making himself useful. It's been good for him - passing the time until he starts his new job. And it's allowed him to spend some time with his parents as an adult. He moved out at 19 and never went back. He told me that the past week he's learned more about his parents and thier lives then he's ever known before.

Friday I fly down there so we can spend the weekend and then we're flying back together on Monday. I CAN NOT WAIT!!!

Everything else in my life is status quo.

I feel boring.

Is that - improvement?
So, things have improved here. Peter's dad pulled through. Unfortunatly the hospital is going to hang onto him for a while. This leaves Peter living at home and taking care of his mom. He's really good about it, and he's using the time to learn a LOT about the stock market from his dad, and get things taken care of around the house for his mom. It's hard on both of us. We don't like being apart. In fact we're very bad at it! Peter has been gone a week already and he won't be back until August 1st. He starts his job August 2nd. If his dad isn't home before then, he's asked that I go down when his dad DOES go home so that there is someone there to make sure he settles back home alright. I told him I would do it gladly.

Other then that everything is ok. My job still sucks, but at least I don't feel overwhelmed by bills etc.

I'm picking up my girls this weekend. We're planning a 'girls' weekend - formal shopping in San Francisco and a trip to the Ren Faire. Fun!

But I still miss my honey.

A Day of extreems
Mood:  hug me
We've known all this week that Peter's dad wasn't doing too well. He was rushed to the hospital on Friday night unable to breath, went home, and then ended up back in the hospital on Wednesday. His dad has some cronic issues that makes breathing problems especially hazerdous to him. So this has been worrysom. But Peter's Mom kept telling us that everything was going ok. In the meanwhile Peter had a job interview yesterday. He came away from it feeling good, but with nothing solid. He's been looking for 9 weeks now and I've been doing everything to try to keep our household afloat...

This morning he gets a call from his sister. His mom had broken down on the phone - things wern't going as well as she had been leading us to believe (something I had suspected all along). So, Peter's Sister "Mickey" immediatly bought two plane tickets (One for her and one for Peter) so that they could go and see thier father. In the meanwhile, I'm trying to deal with my situation at work, fend off bill collectors, keep his spirits up, be supportive and try desperatly not to crumple into a heap.

While on the way to the airport Peter got a call. He had gotten the job, and they had been so impressed with his interview that they wanted to call him right away! Suddenly 3/4th of my stress and worries just up an vanished. To tell you the truth I actually got lightheaded. All I could do for about 15 minutes after hearing the news was sit at my desk and cry. The best part is that he doesn't start until August 3rd so he's got pleanty of time to take care of his Dad and Mom.

Thank you God for the job, and look after my honey and his family.