Meeeeeeerry Christmas
Mood:  happy
I got a call from my Son on Wednesday shoring up all the Christmas plans. That has managed to finalize tapping the keg of my Christmas Joy and I’m bouncing in my seat with energy ready to enjoy the remainder of the holiday season.

On Saturday we’re taking the kids to Grace Cathedral to enjoy a Christmas concert (I would highly recommend it to anyone within driving distance). It's an awsome concert and one I hope to make a new family tradition. Then it’s Christmas shopping and light looking – a great way to kick off the week before Christmas.

The kids will be staying until Thursday and we’ll be doing all kinds of fun stuff like making sugar cookies and fudge. Plus we’ll be putting the finishing touches on the planning for our Christmas dinner. I can not tell you how excited this makes me! Since the kids area coming back late on Christmas day we’re planning our dinner for ‘boxing day’. We’re going for the whole shebang. Turkey, a small ham (for those who don’t like turkey), stuffing (both bread and sausage), gravy, mashed potatoes, pumpkin sausage soup, asparagus casserole, homemade dinner rolls, homemade cranberry sauce, and last but not least pumpkin, chocolate brandy pecan, and apple pie. Whew!

Anyone want to come over and help us eat all of this?

Hahahahahah
Mood:  cheeky

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

If it wern't for the kids....

I'm Back
Mood:  a-ok
the kids and I sat down and talked on Saturday (at my Grandparent's 60's wedding anniversary party) I think we've come up with a comprimise that lets them not dissapoint thier Dad and keeps me from being too dissapointed either. They are planning to come over next friday and baically stay the entire winter breadk (with the exception of Christmas eve).

I think I can handle that. My oldest still has to dog sit but she's going to pay her dad to feed/walk the dog on Christmas day for her, so she'll be able to spend part of the day over here with me.

So the spirit of Christmas lives on.

How I lost my Christmas Spirit.
Mood:  blue
For those of you who don’t already know my life story let me give you a little background.

I grew up with a ‘working’ mother. So early in my life she set a precedent. She was NOT going to spend her Christmas Day slaving in the kitchen cooking a huge dinner. One day a year was enough for her.

Fast forward a few years – I’m married. I find my mother’s ‘rule’ to be a good ‘rule of thumb’. No big dinner at Christmas. Richard (the ex-not his real name) had no problem with this so we went happily on our way.

Fast forward a few more years – my daughter is old enough to know some stuff about Christmas and it’s Christmas eve. Knowing that it was going to be really hard to get her to go to sleep I devise a plan. Step one – go out to eat for a ‘big’ ‘special’ Christmas dinner. Since we were young, poor and didn’t know any better that ended up being Red Lobster. Step two – drive around looking at Christmas lights until the little one fell asleep then go home, carry her to bed and start getting ready for Santa to come. That became our family tradition.

Fast forward many more years. Richard and I have divorced we’ve had a really UGLY custody battle. When the dust has settled we’ve got an arraignment where we’re supposed to trade holidays. Only my kids now suffer from Parental Alienation Syndrome (look it up, it sucks). So rather then force the issue I let them ‘cool’ off. Visits are sporadic and visits during the holidays, out of the question.

Fat forward to now:

Over the past few years the kids have slowly gotten over the PAS and they are on a pretty normal visitation schedule. Only, the holidays are still an issue.

Every year at Thanksgiving, Richard manages to have some relative visiting him. On Christmas – when every other year I’m supposed to have the children for Christmas Eve and be able to put them to bed, then wake them up and watch them open presents in the morning… we run into ‘The tradition’.

Sorry mom, we can’t come see you because we have to go to Red Lobster with Dad. It’s a tradition. First of all, it was MY FUCKING TRADITION! :P Secondly, do you think Richard would have the balls to say, “Hey, enough you need to go with your Mom and start some new traditions”? Well if you’ve learned anything about my ex by now you know the answer is.. No.

This year is no exception. Richard’s mother was visiting at Thanksgiving so the kids stayed there for dinner. As an incentive to get them to come over Christmas Eve I offered to break my ‘rule’ and cook a full on T-day dinner with ALL the fixings. But no… We can’t do that. So for the fifth year in a row I don’t get to see my children on Christmas morning.

Worse, my oldest has told me that she’s taken a job over the winter break and thus – I may not even get to see her Christmas day.

So, I’m sorry folks – I have run out of Christmas cheer. Which really sucks because it IS my FAVORITE holiday.

This year, I’m afraid I’m going to have to say Bah Humbug

Happy Holidays or aka: Bah Humbug
Mood:  blue
We're going out of town for the Holiday. I can't say as I'm entirely happy about it, but I understand.

Peter's dad has been really sick because of Peter's new job we haven't been able to go down and see him much. So, we're going down there for the long weekend.

The problem is... Thanksgiving Dinner. You see, unlike many people I LOVE cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I love planning it, and looking up new recipes. I usually spend the entire month of November working on this one event.

The day of, I get to be a queen of my domain. I have my plan, I execute it, dinner (and the courses before and after it) come out just as I intended. I am in my element. I am a DOMESTIC GODDESS. And every woman should should get to be a Goddess at least once a year.

But this year, no planning, no happy anticipation of the looks of 'food lust' on the faces of my family. It's really put a dent in my Holiday Spirit and I hate it.

Even putting the Christmas decorations up over the weekend really didn't help. It's just not the Holiday Season without Pies cooling on the table and a bird defrosting in the Fridge.

Worse - on Thursday we'll be eating STORE BOUGHT dinners. That's right, even though I offered to make dinner for everyone - instead we're going to have Thanksgiving in a bag.

Maybe shopping on Friday will help.

I'll let you know.

Another quiz
I knew this was true - it's just kind of funny to see it in print...

A stupid quiz
Yeah - I can't be bothered to form a 'real' entry but I can post a quiz? I'll give a real update soon.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What's funny about this is the "You thik of love as something you don't need." Which really is true. One of the things that makes Peter and I so great is I love him and yes I need him, but I realize my life would go on without him. That I'm an OK person alone... Funny eh?

Revelations and Introspect
Mood:  happy
I had a revelation the other day.

I carry a lot of guilt about my divorce. I swore it was something I would never do. It went against everything I believed in, personally and religiously. I know the hell I put my children through because I went through it myself. I had no explanation for it other then, I had to. I did not like the person I had become while living with my ex. But, to put them through a divorce simply because _I_ couldn't handle being married to their father? That seemed so selfish of me. The logic I tried to feed myself didn't help. I didn't really believe that I was allowing myself to be a 'better mother' by moving out of the house. But I knew deep down inside I HAD to get out. Tack on the fact that I believe that God frowns on divorce and that marriage is sacred, and you can about guess that I've been living with a great big cloud of guilt for a very long time.

But the other day I realized something. When I was married to Richard I was unhappy. So desperately unhappy that there were occasions when I contemplated taking my own life. I had even locked myself in the bathroom once with a bottle of pills. Two things stopped me. One was something a good friend had told me, "Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can commit." I couldn't bear the thought that _I_ would be committing such an act. And two, was something a marriage counselor had said. He told me that Satin wants nothing more then for us to die and be permanently separated from God. When someone commits suicide, Satin wins. We'll I'm a pretty stubborn person, and in my own way competitive, I couldn't let Satin win!

Looking back now I realize that given the level of my unhappiness, I really did do the right thing. Sure, putting my kids through the divorce was selfish. But dieing would have been even MORE so, and frankly I was at the point that those were my only two choices. And yes, divorce might be a sin. Sometimes I wonder if in my case it really was, but either way, at least it's a sin I'm alive to be forgiven for and that's certainly the lesser of two evils. If there is such a thing.

I'm not sure if this revelation changes anything really. Does it lesson my feelings of guilt? To a degree, yes. What does that mean? I'm not sure. It may change the way I interact with my ex. That would be a good thing. I still let him get away with riding roughshod over me a little too often. It may change the way I interact with my children a little too. I'm lucky that they are basically good kids because in recent years I have let them get away with things I probably shouldn't have, trying to somehow 'make it up to them'. Perhaps I can hold my head up a little higher. Perhaps I can step back into a church and not feel like it's going to fall down around my ears. Or, perhaps nothing changes but that small secret part of my heart that's been holding onto this for over four years.

Only time will tell.

My life IS a nutshell
Peter's dad came out of the hospital was home three days and went back in again - relaps. Now it looks like he's given up. Peter's sister is down there and calls Peter every day or so to preach doom and gloom. Things like - "You know Dad's on Morphine..." and "He's sleeping all the time now.." and "He's lost control of his 'plumbing' now..." When Peter hears the other side of it he's told.. "Yeah, they gave him morphine because he was having pain in his leg and knee that was keeping him from sleeping." And "Yeah! He's finally catching up on his sleep - He hardly slept at all for about a week there." and "He Hadn't had a BM for a few days so they gave me an enima - wow things are clear now.." So who knows what's going on. sometimes it seems like Peter's sister WANTS him to die she spends so much time predicting that he's going to. So who knows what the whole story is. Peter seems to be doing ok. He's refusing to be on 'death watch' and has basically said, "It'll happen when it happens. We've been lucky to have him this long." He's more worried about making sure his mom is taken care of 'after'... while all his sister seems to want to talk about is how much the two of them are going to inherit. I guess everyone deals with this stuff differently.

Peter's job is going great. He's been in training for two weeks and will be for two more. He waffles back and forth between how easy it is, and how complicated. I'm sure he's going to be fine and MAN the extra money is a BIG help.

I had a job interview last week. It'll be at least another week before I hear if I get called in for the second round. It sounds like it would a challenging position, and it would be closer to home, and has a possiblity for more money - keep your fingers crossed for me.

Lastly -
Richard called me last night and displayed his 'I'm never resposable for my own actions' attitude. He never did come out and say exactly what he wanted, but suggest we 'talk' about money. It seems he's desided that if I had given My Daughter "C" the Jeep as I said I was going to, she would have been driving IT when she had her accident and HE wouldn't be stuck without a car. How's that for rich? He let me know that he had paid for C's Insurance with the understanding the _I_ would provider her with a car. I not sure he desided that was fair, but ok. so? But now he's not going to pay for her insurance any more because she's had an accident and he can't afford it. Ok so? I guess he wants ME to pay for it? Or give HIM the jeep? I don't know he never said - just other day in Richard Cranium land I guess.

He's BACK!
Peter's back - I'm back - we're back

Live is good good good.

I flew in Friday night and got to to have an excellent reunion with my honey. He met me at the Airport and then drove me to the Hotel Room he had rented for the night. I was SO GLAD. It gave us some private time to enjoy each other before going over to his parents house.

His dad continues to improve and his mom seems to be doing well. In all I would say our prayers have been answered. In fact, his dad is doing better now then before he even got 'sick'. W're all really grateful and excited about this improvement in health.

AND - Peter starts his job tomorrow! YAY! He's excited about his opportunity and we're both so relived to have a second income once again. With this seperation fresh in our minds to remind us how much we NEED each other, Peter has a renewed enthusiasm to make our trip to Scotland to get married a reality. Who am I to argue??

Probably the only negative in all this is that it's made Peter just a little bit scared. Scared because he realized how much he needs me, needs US and afraid that something's going to happen and he's going to lose me. Rather ironic that that's how I felt when he went away last time. SO INSECURE. I'm doing everything I can reassure him and giving him a TON of love an attention.

Honestly, some days I can't belive how lucky I am. In spite of all our recent throubles: health, money etc we never had problems with 'us'. Through everything the one thing we could count on was each other. I swear there are days I feel like I'm living in a fairytail. If I am - please, I don't ever want to see "The End".