He's HOME!
Well - the reunion wasn't exactly what either of us had expected.... I'll start at the beginning.
I arrived at the airport an hour early and proceeded to drive in circles to waist time until his plane landed. About 6:45 I got tired of THAT and figuring that if the airport police saw me drive past the terminal one more time - I might get arrested. So I paid for parking and waited inside. In case you haven't been to the airport in a few years, things have changed. You no longer get to walk to the gate of your loved one and watch their plane arrive in breathless anticipation. Instead you get to stand at the main gate, checking your watch every 5 minutes trying to guess if the plane has landed yet and scanning 1000's of faces looking for your sweetie and hoping he hasn't slipped by you and is now standing out front, scanning the cars as they drive by looking for you!
I found myself getting giddy and excited while I was standing there. It was a lot like our first date, when I arrived earlier and stood out front the restaurant waiting for him to arrive. I had this happy little flutter in my tummy and I'm sure I was grinning like an idiot.
Then I saw him! And he looked SO good. He was still dressed for the conference in white dress shirt and black slacks. I just wanted to grab a hold of him and eat him all UP! BUT - he had flown in with one of his coworkers. Knowing how much my honey values his dignity I patiently waited for them to get close and only then did I throw my arms around him and hug and kiss and climb all over him. Unfortunately, right before that I overheard him say to his coworker "...and I have to do this again in two weeks!" I don't know why that little comment made me instantly depressed. For some reason the entire reunion was tarnished for me due to the fact that I knew he was just going to leave me again! That and the fact that I assumed he didn't want me to embarrass him in front of someone he works with by not letting go of his neck for the next two hours. So, trying to keep my dignity intact I gave him space, let him get his bag, money for parking all the while being near, but not touching him...
Let me just say that I SCREWED UP! Because this was NOT the reception he had expected. He knows what a touchy feely person I am and had fully expected me to rape him in the airport. So when I gave him space because I thought he wanted it, it confused and upset him a little. HE thought that something was wrong with ME!
All of this added up to me working into quite a depression. He chatted about his trip in the car and I sat and pouted. My stomach churned when he told me about all the fun stuff they did and how silly he had acted. All I could think about is how he never seems to have that much fun when WE go out... And then when he mentioned the girls that were with them on the trip it sent me into even MORE mental chaos. I kept thinking... did they have fun? Did he flirt with them? Did they casually brush against each other while drunk? blah blah blah...
By the time we got home I was nearly in tears - a misery of my own making and N was beside himself by my behavior. We dropped his luggage in the living room and then held each other, kissed and things moved into the bedroom. But, I kept drawing away from him... telling him I was letting him relax. DUH! the man didn't want to relax!! Eventually we got naked, but for some reason I couldn't relax and show my man how much I had missed him. Instead all I wanted to do was cry. In fact, I did.
After, we lay together and he started asking. "Aren't you glad to see me?" "Is there something you need to tell me?". Eventually we worked everything out. I explained that I had given him space at the airport because I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his coworkers. I explained that I was jealous of those people who got to see him having so much FUN when he's always so careful and reserved when we go out together. Then we talked some more, made love like we should have in the first place, and had a pretty nice remainder of the evening. But the damage was done... I muffed our first reunion and truthfully I STILL feel crappy about it.
BUT - he's coming to meet for lunch and I plan to make sure he's knows how VERY glad I am to see him!
In truth I really don't understand how I felt last night or even how I continue to feel today. I missed the man so much I actually physically HURT. So why didn't I feel this burst of joy at seeing him again? Instead, it was more like a burn that hurts more while healing then then you burned it in the first place... Last night I was healing - I continue to heal, but I almost made things worse via my reaction to the pain.
Sorry folks if this entry seems depressing. I guess it should be because I AM depressed. *sigh* life is never simple.
Posted by parttimemom
at 11:12 AM PDT
Updated: Monday, 28 June 2004 5:17 PM PDT
