Snip Snip Snip little April Sniping
It's been a strange couple of days. N and I have been sniping at each other since last night and I can't figure out if it's him or me that's the issue (or both of us for that matter). Not that it's causing any damage. As a matter of fact I've never felt this calm in the face of our unrest before. It's like my confidence level in our relationship has shot upwards. Maybe his has too, and because of that we feel like we can air these little annoyance - ones that we probably would have kept to ourselves only just a few weeks ago. Either way it's got me a little off balance, though not essentially unhappy. I do want to keep an eye on it, make sure we don't get into a habit of snapping at each other. Overall though, I think it's a pretty healthy thing.

One of the major things that has us frustrated is money. We spent WAY too much of it on 'fun' stuff this month and not nearly enough of bills. Somehow we managed to drain our savings (not that it was that full anyway) and we're having to use part of our tax return to catch up some bills! All this means that Scotland is looking further and further away *sigh*. I don't suppose anyone wants to send us a wedding gift of plane tickets to London? Didn't think so. The good news is, we sat down and worked out a SERIOUS budget. Usually, I'm the one who does the budget and he just tells me "Whatever you work out sweetie". Not THIS time. I made his sit by me and give his input the entire time. This way it's OUR budget and not MINE. With all the bills now caught up it SHOULD be pretty easy to stick with our budget, but then something ALWAYS comes up, doesn't it?

So - that's life right now

For your amusement I desided to start a few lists. They may start out small, but I promise to add them as thoughts come up.

My first list is:

I love you because: (*extreem mush alert ahead!*)

1. You let me keep my socks on when we make love so that the blocks of ice that are my feet don't come in contact with your skin and interupt us during an importing 'moment'.

2. When you do come in contact with my cold feet or hands, instead of yelling or making a fuss you express concern that I've gotten so cold and and let me warm them on some convient spot on your body,

3. You leave out my vitamins in the morning so I won't forget them.

4. You grab my hand or arm when we're walking and there's a step or rough spot of ground ahead of us because you know I'm such a CLUTZ that I'm going to stumble and/or fall

5. You hold my face and just look into my eyes

Now that you're all ready to gag! I'll leave ;)

In case you're wondering
I'm ALLLLLLLL better. N came and picked me up for lunch and I greeted/petted and generally, adequately expressed my joy at his presence in such a matter that we were both satisfied. I may even get laid again tonight.. woo hoo!

Work just got better too. I'm not sure if I can explain this adequately or not, but I'll give it a go.

I'm a project manager, but I spend a lot of time crusing the web reading web logs because the company I'm consulting at really has no idea how to use me. I write monthly reports on projects I have no real authority over as they are 'lead' by someone else. Half the time, I'm not even the person writing the report! Very frustrating and I feel as though I lose another skill daily.

Then today I was called into a meeting. I was a little worried because it was with my manager's manager (AlphaManager) and we were supposed to talk about one of her 'pet' projects which I had been 'put in charge of'... several months ago, but nothing had happened on, because (as I said) I had no authority. I basically just sat around and waited for folks to report to me that they had done something. Granted there were always REASONS things weren't happening, but there was nothing I could do to get the ball rolling. For someone like me who likes to be organized AND in charge it's been really frustrating.

Anyway- back to the meeting, it turns out she was aware of the situation as it really was (not as I was afraid she would perceive it) and wanted to clarify things. She also had removed all the obstacles for this project's kickoff and was looking for it get moving.

She's amazing to watch operate. When she wants something she doesn't TELL her managers that she wants it that way, she simply keeps asking questions until she gets the answer she wants and then acts like it was the manager's decision. Such was the case today. This particular project was conceived by an incredibly bright and ambitious "Network Engineer". AlphaManager was obviously worried that Network Engineer wouldn't be able to pull the project off alone, as he is (albiet very good) a technical guy. AND he's VERY VERY busy keeping the production network running. So, her question was "Who's going to lead this project?" Betamanager answered "Network Engineer is the lead." She then countered with "So, what's (My)'s role?" Betamanager thought of it for a while and made several tries to give an answer she liked, to no avail. Finally he said "...Well, Network Engineer is the TECHNICAL lead on this". You could almost see AlphaManager swoop in for the kill.."And (My)'s role?". The glee on her face was unmistakable to me, she had him where she wanted him. Finally, reluctantly he answered "I.. guess... Project.. Lead?" Now, don't get me Wrong.. BetaManager is an AWSOME guy, and I love working for him, but we was worried that Network Engineer would be upset at being dropped 'down' to "Technical Lead". What he didn't know is that like most Technical guys all Network Engineer really wants to do is "Technical Stuff". Writing Emails, composing reports, coordinating and communication all go against the grain of his very geekiness (and I mean that with the utmost respect). So, when we met with Network Administrator and he was OVERJOYED that he was no longer Project Lead, all became right with the world. I made a point to say that we were 'a team'. And that I was not 'his boss', just to make sure there was NO latent resentment.

So, my world is pretty rosy right now.

More Insite
So I was talking with my buddy on MSN after he read my post:

My Buddy: things never play out as we think they will.... move past it... you guys love each other, the rest is details
Me: aww! thanks. sometimes I think our relationship is too perfect - so I spend a lot of time waiting for that one thing to happen that's going to ruin it
My Buddy: perfection is a lofty place to be, there's little wiggle room, so that when something does happen, no matter how many and frivilous, its seems MONUMENTAL!

He's a pretty smart guy - My Buddy ;)

So, I'm feeling better - I'm going to think happy thoughts so when N comes at lunch I'm a happy kitty ;) and can rub against him and purrr.. and stuff

He's HOME!
Well - the reunion wasn't exactly what either of us had expected.... I'll start at the beginning.

I arrived at the airport an hour early and proceeded to drive in circles to waist time until his plane landed. About 6:45 I got tired of THAT and figuring that if the airport police saw me drive past the terminal one more time - I might get arrested. So I paid for parking and waited inside. In case you haven't been to the airport in a few years, things have changed. You no longer get to walk to the gate of your loved one and watch their plane arrive in breathless anticipation. Instead you get to stand at the main gate, checking your watch every 5 minutes trying to guess if the plane has landed yet and scanning 1000's of faces looking for your sweetie and hoping he hasn't slipped by you and is now standing out front, scanning the cars as they drive by looking for you!

I found myself getting giddy and excited while I was standing there. It was a lot like our first date, when I arrived earlier and stood out front the restaurant waiting for him to arrive. I had this happy little flutter in my tummy and I'm sure I was grinning like an idiot.

Then I saw him! And he looked SO good. He was still dressed for the conference in white dress shirt and black slacks. I just wanted to grab a hold of him and eat him all UP! BUT - he had flown in with one of his coworkers. Knowing how much my honey values his dignity I patiently waited for them to get close and only then did I throw my arms around him and hug and kiss and climb all over him. Unfortunately, right before that I overheard him say to his coworker "...and I have to do this again in two weeks!" I don't know why that little comment made me instantly depressed. For some reason the entire reunion was tarnished for me due to the fact that I knew he was just going to leave me again! That and the fact that I assumed he didn't want me to embarrass him in front of someone he works with by not letting go of his neck for the next two hours. So, trying to keep my dignity intact I gave him space, let him get his bag, money for parking all the while being near, but not touching him...

Let me just say that I SCREWED UP! Because this was NOT the reception he had expected. He knows what a touchy feely person I am and had fully expected me to rape him in the airport. So when I gave him space because I thought he wanted it, it confused and upset him a little. HE thought that something was wrong with ME!

All of this added up to me working into quite a depression. He chatted about his trip in the car and I sat and pouted. My stomach churned when he told me about all the fun stuff they did and how silly he had acted. All I could think about is how he never seems to have that much fun when WE go out... And then when he mentioned the girls that were with them on the trip it sent me into even MORE mental chaos. I kept thinking... did they have fun? Did he flirt with them? Did they casually brush against each other while drunk? blah blah blah...

By the time we got home I was nearly in tears - a misery of my own making and N was beside himself by my behavior. We dropped his luggage in the living room and then held each other, kissed and things moved into the bedroom. But, I kept drawing away from him... telling him I was letting him relax. DUH! the man didn't want to relax!! Eventually we got naked, but for some reason I couldn't relax and show my man how much I had missed him. Instead all I wanted to do was cry. In fact, I did.

After, we lay together and he started asking. "Aren't you glad to see me?" "Is there something you need to tell me?". Eventually we worked everything out. I explained that I had given him space at the airport because I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his coworkers. I explained that I was jealous of those people who got to see him having so much FUN when he's always so careful and reserved when we go out together. Then we talked some more, made love like we should have in the first place, and had a pretty nice remainder of the evening. But the damage was done... I muffed our first reunion and truthfully I STILL feel crappy about it.

BUT - he's coming to meet for lunch and I plan to make sure he's knows how VERY glad I am to see him!

In truth I really don't understand how I felt last night or even how I continue to feel today. I missed the man so much I actually physically HURT. So why didn't I feel this burst of joy at seeing him again? Instead, it was more like a burn that hurts more while healing then then you burned it in the first place... Last night I was healing - I continue to heal, but I almost made things worse via my reaction to the pain.

Sorry folks if this entry seems depressing. I guess it should be because I AM depressed. *sigh* life is never simple.

Ok, I'm bored so sue me!
Topic: Quizes
Just trying to get the time to pass until it's time to pick up N from the airport... logest 15 minutes of my life!

Was doing a quiz that I found rather amusing... depending on my answer (on the fence on a few) I'm either:


Angry Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

or


Quiet Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

in Actualality, I'm a combination of the two...

Have I mentioned that I love 'self-awareness' quizzes yet? well, you've been warned!

Coming Home!
N is coming home today after being gone since Sunday morning! I can not WAIT!! This is the longest we've been apart since the day we met and I seriously don't EVER want to do it again. He's got another business trip planned for the second week in May and I may just have to take the time off so I can go with him. We both nearly went crazy these past few days. Still, I don't really want to waste my vacation days to go to *gasp* Texas! Not when we're trying to plan a trip to Scotland this year so we can 'elope'. I tell you! I can't WAIT to get that man naked!

I didn't care at ALL that there were two women from work on this business trip with him, as the girls he works with always seem to be throwing themselves at him, but what could I do? I just did my best not to be a bitch about it and trusted him. Every now and then he would mention that one of both of them were with the group that went out at night and I had the most SICKENING jealous feeling! But, I bit my tongue and just kept reminding myself that he is MINE! I didn't say anything to him about it because what better way to drive a guy into an affair then to constantly accuse him of one? Not that N ever ever ever does ANYTHING to make me think he would cheat on me. That makes squashing that little green eyed monster all the easier.

But, he's back tonight! yay!!! And I'm going to make him REALLY glad he was a good boy on his trip!

As for the rest of my life? Well work sucks as much as usual. Boring boring boring. I have three things I need to do, but they all require the help of someone else and all three of those people are out of the office.

On a positive note, M called me and said "I just thought you want to know when my next (baseball) games are". Funny how something THAT simple can make me feel so good! M didn't speak to me for at lease two years (due to divorce issues), so to have him calling ME and asking ME to come see HIM is such a HUGE positive step for all of us! I'm hoping we can do something cool for his birthday (the 30th).

OK- that's all for now!

In the begining...
There was me...

Since I find blogs that just *poof* appear out of nowhere and give no background information annoying I thought I would start mine out with a little about me - of course this information will change over the years, but the point is that the journal will cover all the changes.. right!?

So -first off and foremost know that I am not the best speller, and I'm well aware of the fact. I probably won't spell check every post, so if creative linguistics bother you, leave now!

Now, back to me. I'm 35, female, engaged and the mother of three. To help you keep the most important people in my life strait I'll create a little quick reference list for you!

N - The most wonderful, perfect and amazing man EVER, and he's MINE - ALLLLLL MINE.
Richard - The 'evil ex-husband'
I - N's 11 year old son
C - My 16 year old daughter
M - My (almost) 13 year old son
S - My 10 year old daughter

None of the kids live with us full time, but we have them over on various weekends, weekdays and holidays. It's rather confusing as "His" and "Mine" don't have the same visitation schedule so sometimes we have some, sometimes all and sometimes none...

I've been divorced for a little over a year though we were separated for three years before that. We got married when I was 18, 3 days after I graduated from high school. We separated for the 'last time' shortly before our 12th anniversary. My children, especially my son, didn't take the divorce well, and only recently have things begun to get better.

N and I have been together for almost three years, and engaged for over a year.

I work for a computer consulting company, and I have a vast technical background. Recently, though I became certified as a project manager. Unfortunately my career hasn't really changed much since then. The market here is TERRIBLE! I'm full time at one client and that keeps me from going completely insane. Still I toy with getting another job off and on. From time to time I consider a complete career change, but I tend to be pretty lazy so nothing comes of it.

OK! I just read through this and realized how serious it seems! I'm really not all that bad! I a fun person - really I am!