Is TMI a mental illness?
I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror at work and realized how un-Californian I looked. For one thing, my body is far from bikini ready. Ok, maybe `far' is understatement. Barring plastic surgery, I've got at least a years worth of work left to do. Secondly, I'm no longer a blonde. I recently went for a change of pace and dyed my hair red. Not that blonde's my natural color either, but before it at least had the `allusion' of California golden coast goddess. Lastly, I am WHITE. I'm talking, `you should take off those white hose, oh they aren't hose' white. I need some SERIOUS sun time. The ironic thing is, every time I think I'm going to be able to have some `fun in the sun', like the three days off I took a few weeks back, the clouds roll in, and I'm stuck looking at cloudy skies. What is up with that? I think it's some sort of cosmic karmic payback... or something.

On a positive note I get to go see Dr. cold fingers for a yearly female check-up tomorrow so I can back on birth control. YAY! Ok, so the check-up thing's not fun, but birth control - YAY! As a matter of fact I have to wonder at the mental capacity of a Dr that can't seem to figure out why my blood pressure reads high every time I come in for a visit when it so low that I'm at risk of being declared DEAD when I visit my General Practitioner. Am I the only one who believes that Doctors should be required to take courses in basic logic, or at the very least be able to complete one of those `logic problems' that show up in the games magazines? You know the ones that start out "One week five bachelors agreed to go out together to eat the 5 evening meals on Monday through Friday..." But I digress. I get to go back on birth control!!! (provided I my new relaxation techniques can keep my blood pressure low enough for them to get at least ONE reading in the `normal' range) This means free-for-all frolicking in MY household is sure to ensue. I can hardly wait! Hmmm, this may call for a celebratory strafing of Fredrick's Hollywood!

Dare I say the word... Career?
Work has suddenly become an entire new environment. I have this project, and it?s a BIG project, and I get to run it. I get to lead meetings, write memos, draft project plans. All the stuff I trained for and I?m LOVING it! I wish this was what I did all day every day! Wait it IS supposed to be my JOB. HELLO! Oh well, if I can pull this project off (and I can?t see why not) I?m hoping to see a LOT more of this kind of work come my way. Enough projects like this and my resume? will be fat (or should that be phat?) enough to perhaps get a few offers from a few other companies. My stock is going UP! And I couldn?t be happier about it.

I love you because part II
6. You'll drive miles, in the dark and rain to bring me money so I can put gas in my car.

7. While watching "Coyote Ugly" you'll mention that "The one in the middle is the best looking of all of them" (said "one in the middle" being Maria Bello playing Lil, the 30 something bar owner, and not one of the 'barely legel' 20 somethings strutting on top of the bar)

8. After mentioning said "one in the middle", you add "You know who she looks like don't you? Look at that JAW!" (have I mentioned that I have a strong jawline?)

9. After watching "Coyote Ugly" you complain that NONE of those girls were as good looking as Carrie-Anne Moss. (Who looks even MORE like me)

10. You'll turn off the Victoria Secrets fashion show after commenting "Everyone on of those girls is UGLY! They are WAY too skinny, they should go out and eat a doughnut or something".

How to test the love of your life mate
Just as your honey gets home and is settling into the couch, call him and say "I don't think I have enough gas to make it home and I forgot the credit card. Can you meet me in **** (20 miles away) and bring the card?"

Now do this not once, not twice, but THREE times in the course of six months.

If you really want to administer a test, try this:

5:00pm - call your sweetie and remind him of the `thing' you have to attend for work. Mention that you aren't feeling well, and don't really want to go, but you feel you should at least make an appearance.
12:00am - after applying copious amounts of alcohol at several locations finally call to check in. Get scolded for making him worry and be informed that he drove 100 miles round trip slowly scanning the roadside for your twisted and broken body. Cry. Tell him you're sorry and that you'll be home in about an hour. Hang up not sure you've been forgiven.
12:30am - Call again, still sobbing, to inform him that you don't have enough gas and that you lost your wallet somewhere during the night. Ask him to meet you in the city (60 miles away) and please bring the credit card.

Do this FIRST so that every time you call him to bring the card thereafter it's NOTHING compared to the first time you did it!

Yes, last night was one of those nights that I had to call N and have him come rescue me. He did, once again, charging over the hill on his shiny black steed. God I love that man!

Lazy Sunday Afternoon - HA!
We are poor unfortunate souls who have no washer/dryer hookups inside our apartment and thus are doomed to periodically (ok, more like once a month) enter the hell that is...the Laundromat. Trips to the Laundromat are put off as long as possible at our house and usually only become a priority when one or both of us are going commando. (yes, you read that right, we own enough underwear to last a month). That time hit on Friday night when N casually mentioned his `lack'. "I guess it's time to go to the Laundromat then" I answered. "Yeah" he answered back without much enthusiasm. That's as far as it went. Saturday, we got as far as sorting the clothes and loading them into my car, but that was it. Today at about three in the afternoon we realized we could put it off no longer, so off we went.

I'm not sure if it's like this everywhere, but every Laundromat I've ever been to is, well, GROSS! The floor looks like it hasn't been swept or mopped in a century or two. Portions of the tiles are missing in places, and there is a glaze of unidentifiable crap down the front of every washer, looking as if they all had spent the night on a bender and ended up sleeping in their own vomit. Have I mentioned that I hate the Laundromat? N and I both sat there wondering, where are the Laundromats that you see on TV, the ones immaculately maintained and full of beautiful people washing their silken underwear? Instead, we're stuck watching the homeless lady put lipstick on using the reflective surface of the pay phone change box, and the little pregnant Mexican lady with 5 kids who was dropped off by her husband and can barely carry the laundry from washer to dryer, much less chase down her two year old son who running screaming around the washing machines. Did I mention I hate the Laundromat? Oh, and did I fail to mention that it was 91 degrees here today?

On a positive note, my son called me again today. It's like someone took the angry, terse young man that's been living in his body for the past three years and gave me the little boy who used to sit on my lap every night before going to bed back. To give you a clue as to what our relationship has been like:

*ring*ring*
M: Hello?
Me: Hi! It's Mom!
*pause*
Me: Hello?
*pause*
Me: Hello?
One of my girls: Hi Mom!

Yeah - that's right, he couldn't even be bothered tell me `hold on'.

And yet in the past two days he's called me three times, and when he figured out my cell phone battery was dead, he called the house, just to tell me how his games went. I'm a happy mom!

And this entry makes me VERY happy that I'm 35, my youngest is 10 and N and I are NOT having more children despite those around us commenting on what beautiful babies we'd make (including my 10 year old daughter).

Snip Snip Snip little April Sniping
It's been a strange couple of days. N and I have been sniping at each other since last night and I can't figure out if it's him or me that's the issue (or both of us for that matter). Not that it's causing any damage. As a matter of fact I've never felt this calm in the face of our unrest before. It's like my confidence level in our relationship has shot upwards. Maybe his has too, and because of that we feel like we can air these little annoyance - ones that we probably would have kept to ourselves only just a few weeks ago. Either way it's got me a little off balance, though not essentially unhappy. I do want to keep an eye on it, make sure we don't get into a habit of snapping at each other. Overall though, I think it's a pretty healthy thing.

One of the major things that has us frustrated is money. We spent WAY too much of it on 'fun' stuff this month and not nearly enough of bills. Somehow we managed to drain our savings (not that it was that full anyway) and we're having to use part of our tax return to catch up some bills! All this means that Scotland is looking further and further away *sigh*. I don't suppose anyone wants to send us a wedding gift of plane tickets to London? Didn't think so. The good news is, we sat down and worked out a SERIOUS budget. Usually, I'm the one who does the budget and he just tells me "Whatever you work out sweetie". Not THIS time. I made his sit by me and give his input the entire time. This way it's OUR budget and not MINE. With all the bills now caught up it SHOULD be pretty easy to stick with our budget, but then something ALWAYS comes up, doesn't it?

So - that's life right now

For your amusement I desided to start a few lists. They may start out small, but I promise to add them as thoughts come up.

My first list is:

I love you because: (*extreem mush alert ahead!*)

1. You let me keep my socks on when we make love so that the blocks of ice that are my feet don't come in contact with your skin and interupt us during an importing 'moment'.

2. When you do come in contact with my cold feet or hands, instead of yelling or making a fuss you express concern that I've gotten so cold and and let me warm them on some convient spot on your body,

3. You leave out my vitamins in the morning so I won't forget them.

4. You grab my hand or arm when we're walking and there's a step or rough spot of ground ahead of us because you know I'm such a CLUTZ that I'm going to stumble and/or fall

5. You hold my face and just look into my eyes

Now that you're all ready to gag! I'll leave ;)

In case you're wondering
I'm ALLLLLLLL better. N came and picked me up for lunch and I greeted/petted and generally, adequately expressed my joy at his presence in such a matter that we were both satisfied. I may even get laid again tonight.. woo hoo!

Work just got better too. I'm not sure if I can explain this adequately or not, but I'll give it a go.

I'm a project manager, but I spend a lot of time crusing the web reading web logs because the company I'm consulting at really has no idea how to use me. I write monthly reports on projects I have no real authority over as they are 'lead' by someone else. Half the time, I'm not even the person writing the report! Very frustrating and I feel as though I lose another skill daily.

Then today I was called into a meeting. I was a little worried because it was with my manager's manager (AlphaManager) and we were supposed to talk about one of her 'pet' projects which I had been 'put in charge of'... several months ago, but nothing had happened on, because (as I said) I had no authority. I basically just sat around and waited for folks to report to me that they had done something. Granted there were always REASONS things weren't happening, but there was nothing I could do to get the ball rolling. For someone like me who likes to be organized AND in charge it's been really frustrating.

Anyway- back to the meeting, it turns out she was aware of the situation as it really was (not as I was afraid she would perceive it) and wanted to clarify things. She also had removed all the obstacles for this project's kickoff and was looking for it get moving.

She's amazing to watch operate. When she wants something she doesn't TELL her managers that she wants it that way, she simply keeps asking questions until she gets the answer she wants and then acts like it was the manager's decision. Such was the case today. This particular project was conceived by an incredibly bright and ambitious "Network Engineer". AlphaManager was obviously worried that Network Engineer wouldn't be able to pull the project off alone, as he is (albiet very good) a technical guy. AND he's VERY VERY busy keeping the production network running. So, her question was "Who's going to lead this project?" Betamanager answered "Network Engineer is the lead." She then countered with "So, what's (My)'s role?" Betamanager thought of it for a while and made several tries to give an answer she liked, to no avail. Finally he said "...Well, Network Engineer is the TECHNICAL lead on this". You could almost see AlphaManager swoop in for the kill.."And (My)'s role?". The glee on her face was unmistakable to me, she had him where she wanted him. Finally, reluctantly he answered "I.. guess... Project.. Lead?" Now, don't get me Wrong.. BetaManager is an AWSOME guy, and I love working for him, but we was worried that Network Engineer would be upset at being dropped 'down' to "Technical Lead". What he didn't know is that like most Technical guys all Network Engineer really wants to do is "Technical Stuff". Writing Emails, composing reports, coordinating and communication all go against the grain of his very geekiness (and I mean that with the utmost respect). So, when we met with Network Administrator and he was OVERJOYED that he was no longer Project Lead, all became right with the world. I made a point to say that we were 'a team'. And that I was not 'his boss', just to make sure there was NO latent resentment.

So, my world is pretty rosy right now.

More Insite
So I was talking with my buddy on MSN after he read my post:

My Buddy: things never play out as we think they will.... move past it... you guys love each other, the rest is details
Me: aww! thanks. sometimes I think our relationship is too perfect - so I spend a lot of time waiting for that one thing to happen that's going to ruin it
My Buddy: perfection is a lofty place to be, there's little wiggle room, so that when something does happen, no matter how many and frivilous, its seems MONUMENTAL!

He's a pretty smart guy - My Buddy ;)

So, I'm feeling better - I'm going to think happy thoughts so when N comes at lunch I'm a happy kitty ;) and can rub against him and purrr.. and stuff

He's HOME!
Well - the reunion wasn't exactly what either of us had expected.... I'll start at the beginning.

I arrived at the airport an hour early and proceeded to drive in circles to waist time until his plane landed. About 6:45 I got tired of THAT and figuring that if the airport police saw me drive past the terminal one more time - I might get arrested. So I paid for parking and waited inside. In case you haven't been to the airport in a few years, things have changed. You no longer get to walk to the gate of your loved one and watch their plane arrive in breathless anticipation. Instead you get to stand at the main gate, checking your watch every 5 minutes trying to guess if the plane has landed yet and scanning 1000's of faces looking for your sweetie and hoping he hasn't slipped by you and is now standing out front, scanning the cars as they drive by looking for you!

I found myself getting giddy and excited while I was standing there. It was a lot like our first date, when I arrived earlier and stood out front the restaurant waiting for him to arrive. I had this happy little flutter in my tummy and I'm sure I was grinning like an idiot.

Then I saw him! And he looked SO good. He was still dressed for the conference in white dress shirt and black slacks. I just wanted to grab a hold of him and eat him all UP! BUT - he had flown in with one of his coworkers. Knowing how much my honey values his dignity I patiently waited for them to get close and only then did I throw my arms around him and hug and kiss and climb all over him. Unfortunately, right before that I overheard him say to his coworker "...and I have to do this again in two weeks!" I don't know why that little comment made me instantly depressed. For some reason the entire reunion was tarnished for me due to the fact that I knew he was just going to leave me again! That and the fact that I assumed he didn't want me to embarrass him in front of someone he works with by not letting go of his neck for the next two hours. So, trying to keep my dignity intact I gave him space, let him get his bag, money for parking all the while being near, but not touching him...

Let me just say that I SCREWED UP! Because this was NOT the reception he had expected. He knows what a touchy feely person I am and had fully expected me to rape him in the airport. So when I gave him space because I thought he wanted it, it confused and upset him a little. HE thought that something was wrong with ME!

All of this added up to me working into quite a depression. He chatted about his trip in the car and I sat and pouted. My stomach churned when he told me about all the fun stuff they did and how silly he had acted. All I could think about is how he never seems to have that much fun when WE go out... And then when he mentioned the girls that were with them on the trip it sent me into even MORE mental chaos. I kept thinking... did they have fun? Did he flirt with them? Did they casually brush against each other while drunk? blah blah blah...

By the time we got home I was nearly in tears - a misery of my own making and N was beside himself by my behavior. We dropped his luggage in the living room and then held each other, kissed and things moved into the bedroom. But, I kept drawing away from him... telling him I was letting him relax. DUH! the man didn't want to relax!! Eventually we got naked, but for some reason I couldn't relax and show my man how much I had missed him. Instead all I wanted to do was cry. In fact, I did.

After, we lay together and he started asking. "Aren't you glad to see me?" "Is there something you need to tell me?". Eventually we worked everything out. I explained that I had given him space at the airport because I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his coworkers. I explained that I was jealous of those people who got to see him having so much FUN when he's always so careful and reserved when we go out together. Then we talked some more, made love like we should have in the first place, and had a pretty nice remainder of the evening. But the damage was done... I muffed our first reunion and truthfully I STILL feel crappy about it.

BUT - he's coming to meet for lunch and I plan to make sure he's knows how VERY glad I am to see him!

In truth I really don't understand how I felt last night or even how I continue to feel today. I missed the man so much I actually physically HURT. So why didn't I feel this burst of joy at seeing him again? Instead, it was more like a burn that hurts more while healing then then you burned it in the first place... Last night I was healing - I continue to heal, but I almost made things worse via my reaction to the pain.

Sorry folks if this entry seems depressing. I guess it should be because I AM depressed. *sigh* life is never simple.

Ok, I'm bored so sue me!
Topic: Quizes
Just trying to get the time to pass until it's time to pick up N from the airport... logest 15 minutes of my life!

Was doing a quiz that I found rather amusing... depending on my answer (on the fence on a few) I'm either:


Angry Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

or


Quiet Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

in Actualality, I'm a combination of the two...

Have I mentioned that I love 'self-awareness' quizzes yet? well, you've been warned!