He did it again!!
So we're sitting on the couch together after I got home from work. His arms are wrapped around me, my cheek is resting against his chest, when I notice his breath has gotten deep and regular. I look up and sure enough, his eyes are closed and he's fast asleep! He roused a few times enough to switch positions so that we ended up with me sitting on the couch with his head cradled in my lap and for him to murmer "You wanted to spend time togher...." before dropping back off to sleep, but that was the extent of our interaction for most of the evening. I eventually replaced my lap with a pillow and got up to do a few things around the house. I was getting gloomy and frustrated again. More then gloomy really, down right DEPRESSED. Finally I sat down in a chair and gave myself a STERN talking to. I was just SO tired of feeling blue. I was dwelling on the stupidist things and just becoming more and more drawn into myself and a misory of my own making. I started getting MAD! And I realized, mad felt GOOD! so I got MADDER - so much madder that I ended up mentally screeming at myself "ENOUGH! STOP FEELING THIS WAY!" And you know what it helped. That and a two mile run and I was feeling MUCH MUCH better, and amzingly it's continued. Everytime I start to spiral down into dark thoughts, I grab that burning kurnel of anger and give it a little shake. For now, that's all I've need to need. Threaten the whinny bitch that lives in my head with the angry bitch that all too often I leave locked up in a dark and secret place. I may need to take her out and excercise her more often.

So, today I started taking action. I grabbed the credit card from my honey and went to the mall by myself. If he can't be bothered to stay awake long enough to take me shopping, I'll just have to make my own decisions. I'm pretty sure the dress will be a hit - when I tried it on with a proper bra and some control top pantyhose I was really happy with it. Then I went out prowling for shoes, and found the perfect pair! Not only were they perfect they were on clearence for $14!! All that's left if for me to figure out what I'm doing with my hair. I practiced with an idea last night, and I may perfect it tonight so that by Saturday there's not ugly surprises waiting for me.

Oh - and I think I'm going to get my nails done. :) Going all out ;)

What's a girl with boobs gotta do to get a dress around this place?
I don't know what to say. (write?) My mood is swinging back and forth so quickly that I'm annoying myself! I'm thinking that at least part of this is due to the damn birth control pills. I know that the sudden onset of acne I've gotten is certainly caused by them.

The other day I looked in the mirror and I SWORE that my hair was getting thinner. Then while sitting on N's lap the other day he commented that he thought the hairdresser had cut my hair too short in certain areas. ULP! It seems I wan't being paranoid! I really am losing my hair! Can I blame THAT on the pill too?

FA! Soon I'll be just this fat pimply faced bald chick who's so surley no one wants anything to do with her!

Part of this mood is about something REALLY silly. You see, I have this party on Saturday. Acutally it's not MY party it's N's. This 'thing' for work. Preperations for this party are BEYOND a big deal. One, it's this HUGE thing. So much of a huge thing that they actually call it 'The Big Event' and only host it once every two years. It's like prom for adults. Tuxes, limos, pretty dresses and all the cattyness you hated in highschool times 10!

So (rant 1) Saturday I managed to drag Nigel all over, here and there looking for a dress (Yes, last minute I know). Did I find something! No - I did not. I found 'something' but it wasn't what I really wanted, but I bought it anyway 'just in case' nothing better came along. (Kind of like my first marriage). The more I thought about it less appropriate the dress seemed for this party. So, yesterday I went to the mall by my work.

(rant 2) Here I actually found a better selection but nothing, nada, nill in my size. Common people. I'm not terribly skinny, I admit, but I'm not obese either. Is it too much to ask to make a few dresses larger then size 1? Add on top of that the formal makers seem to make their stuff at LEAST 1 size smaller then 'normal' clothes, and I was beside myself in a matter of no time.

I'm normally a size 12 or 14. Rather average sized if statistics are to be believed. I found a BUNCH of size 13s at the stores and I could put them on and zip them up.. .to a point. But as soon as it got anywhere close to my ...erm.. cleavage... forget it! Even the one 15 I found wouldn't fit! I'm pretty sure that I would have had to find a 16, but I know that stores only buy 1 size 16 in each style. Like us 'big' girls don't get invited to the prom eh? I finally found ONE dress that seemed to fit and looked ok, though NOW I needed to find a strapless bra to wear under... and I wanted N to see it before I bought it and give the thumbs up but he's been to stick to leave the house!

Anyway - I'm rambling... I still don't have a dress. I'm not happy with my haircut (on top of the fact that I'm going bald) My face is broken out and I have to go and face all these size 1 20 somethings that N works with everyday and make sure they have NO illusions about making him THEIR man!(And believe me a few do) Lord help me!

The only bright spot so far this week? While on the phone with N yesterday, I asked him what he was going to wear. I got the expected "I don't know" (why oh WHY don't men obsess over thier clothing the way women do?) But then he added. "I was thinking of renting a formal kilt, but I don't think there is time left"

For those of you who don't know us (umm.. that would be ALL of those folks reading this right?) this deserves a back story. You see I (among other things) am of Scottish decent. N is not. In fact he is directly decendent from folks who would sock you in the face if you suggested they might be of scottish decent. Still, he induges my infactuation with my heritage by acompaning me to the highland games and various celtic festivals. He's even gotten a little into the spirt of things himself. I have, on an offhand occasion or two, mentioned that it would be so cool to see him in a kilt. While never poo-pooing the idea he's never really encoraged it either so I haven't pressed the issue. So, for him to not only wear a kilt but to do so in front of all his co-workers is a REAL testimate to his commitment to me. We DID find a kilt rental place by the way, and it will arrive on Friday. So now not only do I NOT have a dress, but my 'date' is going to look AMAZING and unique.

Ok - now on top of this - my honey is suffering from a MAJOR allergy attack. Two days this week he's come home, sat down and slept til morning. The one evening he didn't sleep through, his son was over and we really didn't have much time to 'connect'. So, even though he's home - he's not been 'here'. And that's getting me down as well. I need my "N" time. LOTS.

Alright - I think it's time for me to stop now. All I've been doing is ranting, whining and complaining, when really I live a pretty damn good life!

I'll get over this, I swear, and I will make this blog something intersting to read!

Thanks to all who visit (if you do)

Sophmoric Behavior?
I was in the city today and managed to walk to and from work without any comments from the homeless community which is a rarity. BUT - (you HAD to see this comming didn't you?) While driving home I had the strangest experiance.

I was pulling through the toll booth and as always doing my best to be overly polite to the toll taker. After all, I think they have to have one of the crappiest jobs around. They sit in this tiny little glass cube, handling FILTHY money and breathing exhaust fumes all day. So, when I have to pay my toll I usually do my best to make eye contact, smile, and say thank you. And if it merrits it say "Have a great day!". So today, I pull up, ready with my money and a smile. I make eye contact with the toll taker and realize this guy is young! and mildly attractive... This probably registered on my face as I got a smile in return. As I put my car in 1st gear and made to drive away I realized the guy was still staring into my car, so I turn back toward him thinking I had forgotten something. Then I see him stand and CRAIN his neck to see FURTHER down into my car, catch my eye, smile, raise an eyebrow, while nodding and then take another look! By this time I had started to roll away and simotaniously I looked down to realize that while getting into my car, my seriously businesslike skirt had caught on my jacket and was riding up high on my thighs! HELLO the cute toll booth guy was copping a peek!

I HAD to laugh and truethfully I found it more funny then insulting, but at the same time another part of my brain went. EWW!

My Boyfriend's Back and You're Gunna be in Trouble!
YES! My honey is back and I couldn't be happier. This reunion went MUCH better then last time, with the two of us bestowing much love and affection on each other ASAP! We even had a very cleansing giggle fest while sitting in the restaurant eating dinner. Our `host' and waiter was the strangest guy I've ever been waited on by. With the black hair, white pancake makeup, manicure, and jewelry he looked like Edward scissor hands, only about 100 lbs heavier! While at dinner my sweetie gave me a present he had bought for me while he was away. It was incredibly romantic and thoughtful! No, it wasn't flowers or chocolate or anything like that. It was a Palm Pilot Vx!! Just like I used to have when he first met me! All charged up and ready to play with and preset with the first note written saying "I love you"

As I already had a GPS attachment from my old Palm we spent Saturday and Sunday tooling around playing "Where am I now?" And trying this new game called geocaching. (www.geocaching.com) Great fun and a perfect gift. I showed it off to all my friends at work, who were all appropriately impressed.

I did note one very strange thing over the weekend. I felt VERY insecure at times. I can't really explain it now, because it's gone, but I do know I had a few moments where I had to say to N "reassure me!" He did and as I said, I'm over it now.

I do have on story I want to relate in more detail:

What is up with these guys who can't seem to grow up? Friday night while on my way to the above mentioned rendezvous I stopped at the local quick mart to pick up a diet soda. As I was pulling in, a corner of my mind noted a car pulling in next to me, but I didn't really pay much attention. I went inside, picked up my soda, paid and followed the driver of aforementioned car out the door. I was chuckling to myself about the scene that had just unfolded inside in which a tourist was trying to get directions from an obviously EXTREEMLY drunk patron. Perhaps it was the smile on my face that prompted what happened next, because as this guy is getting into his car (parked next to mine) he says "Nice Bug."

Now this left me a little puzzled and bemused as I drive a 2001 New Beatle, and while I love my car dearly I would never consider it "Nice" after all they're a dime a dozen. As I was mentally brushing off that compliment with a `does not compute' marker the guy gets in his car and as he drives away adds, "By the way, I was kidding!"

Now, I have already noted that I hold no illusions as to the `coolness' of my car, but that set me back for a second. It certainly was a WTF!? moment. I mean what was the point? Was my smile an offence to him and he decided that it was his mission to remove it? It reminded me to pointedly of something that happened to me in Jr High.

It was my first day at a new school and I was nervous, as would be expected. For some reason the music teacher was allowing the kids to hold a dance during her class (I had moved to the area near the end of the school year) and that was making my anxiousness even worse. To my surprise this good-looking guy came over and asked me "Do you want to dance?" I was surprised and yet excited, here I was, the new girl, and someone had asked me to dance for the first time EVER! I followed the guy to the center of the room at the same time noting another couple making their way onto the dance floor. The four of us intersected and both guys looked at each other, and then at us and said, "Ok, dance!" and then walked away laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I was humiliated, and Friday night I had the feeling that I was supposed to feel something similar as that "I was kidding" was shouted at me. But, I've matured since then. I have a better handle on what I am, and what I'm not. If this guy's intention was to belittle me in some way, he failed because you see, as he drove off I noted the condition of HIS vehicle. It was a `Classic' bug, but WHAT a POS! Body thrashed, looking as if it was covered in spray paint, and barely running. So instead of leaving me hurt and humiliated, all the loser managed to do was make me laugh more. Still, I have to wonder, what makes people DO stuff like that?

Should I be Worried?
My sweeties flight number is 669 - It's almost the mark of the beast and yet ends in 69. There's a joke in there SOMEWHERE isn't there?!

Someone creative think of something QUICK!

Ups and Downs
So, life's been up and down of late. I feel better for a while and then I'm down in the dumps again. Part of this is because N is gone, part is this weird roller coaster mood I've been in for.. hmm a month now? But I'm feeling pretty good at the moment so I'm going to try not to think about those things that plunge me into the waning abyss and only focus on those things that send me flying over the rainbow.

First let me apologize for the blogs I didn't write. I've had a LOT of great stuff running through my head over the past few days, but usually by the time I get to the actual keyboard I'm so apathetic that it never gets transferred into type.

Second, MY SWEETIE IS COMING HOME!!. Yes yes yes! I don't pick him up until 11:00pm tonight but I'm getting excited already! I want to dance around the room singing every time I think about it! I need my N batteries recharged BIG time. I wrote him this horrible sappy dark and depressed email at about 11:00 last night and I think it freaked him out just a little because he called me first thing this morning. After he discovered that I hadn't thrown myself in front of a train or anything like that he settled down, but it was still nice to wake up to his voice.

Work is sucking - MAJORLY - I can't think of a single positive thing to say about it at the moment so in light of my pledge above, I'm not going to say anything.

Starting the pill has done it's usual weird things to my mind and body, but I'll live with it. Knowing that in about a week or two things will be magically delicious is making it worth it! As a matter of fact, I'm considering all sorts of naughty things that make me smile that would not be practical 'pre' Pill.

And it's FRIDAY! And amazingly the week has gone by rather quickly. Probably because I've had some work deadlines that have me BEYOND stressed out - and they actually managed to override what should have been the longest week of my life due to N being out of town.

Alright - enough! I think I've caught you up to date and I don't want to keep going on and on because I keep going back to how LOUSY work is...

Wait, one good thing - One of guys at work called another a "Fuck Wad" and meant it yesterday! Unfortunately I wasn't there to witness it and had to hear it second hand. That's twice now I've missed the fireworks! Not to mention the fact the "Fuck Wad" is one of the Fuckiest Wads I've ever met and I would have paid money to see someone tell him to his face - alas...

On that note - I'm off!

Super MOM!
My son has been struggling with his math. Part of it is the school's fault. He started out in one class and before too long they figured out that he was WAY beyond what they were teaching, so they transferred him to another, more advanced, class. For some reason they thought this class was too crowded so they switched him again. What we didn't find out until this past grading period was when they switched him for the second time M took an instant dislike to this teacher. Much like his mother, he has a stubborn streak and as 'punishment' to this teacher he chose to no longer pay attention in class and not turn in any of his homework. So, when this issue came to our attention his dad went down, raised a ruckus with his teacher and the school because no one said anything about him FLUNKING math and managed to talk the teacher into giving M the chance to turn in all his homework for full credit and retake any tests, ALSO for full credit. So, one would think that his dad (who has him every night) would start checking for homework, right!? Well, I found out right before mother's day that M STILL hadn't turned in all his homework, and after being good for one chapter, had stopped turning in his current work as well.

So, I stepped in over the weekend. We set up a schedule, figured out how many 'free' hours he had over the weekend, how many pages were due from the current chapter and set some goals. (ah, have I mentioned that I'm a project manager?) If he reached a goal any 'left over' time within that hour was his to do with what he liked. You've never seen a kid so relieved! This overwhelming task of completing an entire Month's worth of homework in a weekend suddenly seemed manageable. I spent a lot of time going over the examples in the book with him and making sure he UNDERSTOOD what he was doing, and wasn't just going through the motions.

We then set up a schedule to get the rest of his work done before the end of the year so that he could at LEAST bring his grade up to a D and not have to go to summer school. Again, MAJOR relief.

So, I get a voicemail today, from my Son. "Hi Mom, I just needed to talk to you... Later.." The tone was so... "I just needed to talk to YOU MOM" that I wanted to cry. I sometimes wonder if I've managed to portray the vast chasm that separated my Son and I for the past three years. This was a boy who actually talked to lawyer about 'divorcing' me after he heard about it on TV, and would pretend I wasn't there when I came into the room. To have him call, because he needed to 'talk' was just SO AMAZIN. But that wasn't the last of it. When I got him on the phone later he says to me.. "Mom! guess what I got on my test!?"

Being the diligent mom that I am I asked "What buddy?".

"Twenty out of Twenty!"

You could just hear the joy, pride AND thankfulness in his voice! And you can bet that this mom is pretty damn proud too! He then went on to brag about how he had been finishing all his homework AND keeping up on the schedule we had created, and how he had brought his grade up from 38% to 50% in just a week. THEN he says "I have to get a D, Mom, so that I don't have to go to summer school. Then I can come to your house!"

Yes - life is golden at the moment. Just wish my honey was here to share this 'moment' with me!

We interupt your regularly scheduled program
I feel as though I should be walking around perpetually apologizing to everyone I come in contact with. You see, I'm not myself lately. How can I be? There is a part of me missing. Some would say the best part. So I left sitting here like an amputee. There's this constant tingle. The ghost of sensation that shows me where that part of me should be. Sometimes I can even convince myself that it's still there. But then reality sets in and I'm left caressing the stump. There is one bright spot in all of this. MY missing part will be returned. And unlike someone with prosthetics it will be as good or better as it was before. I WILL be whole again, but until then...

I'm sorry, I'm not myself lately.

Ok - so I can't think of a title - sue me!
Bittersweet weekend. I spent a lot of time in the car, picking up kids, shuttling them to games, taking my beloved to the airport. You know, the usual. Friday night was spent running to pick up the kids, getting them dinner and settling them into the house.

Saturday, after breakfast, my son and I went to the Laundromat and did the laundry. I know, I know it's early, but with N going out of town I figured I would be nice and send him off with clean clothes. Saturday afternoon I loaded all three of my kids back into the car and we drove the 130 miles to my son's baseball game. They lost. Then it was off to my grandmother's to trade cars with her, because my lovely little bug only holds four and she owns one of those boats on wheels that will haul six. Of course I can't go to my grandmothers without being called in to do tech support for her, so I ended up not getting home until after midnight. Whew!

Sunday was mother's day and my kids got me the cutest card. Better then the card itself was what they wrote in it. My oldest, who's 16, actually wrote that she considers me a friend! How many moms can say that!? My son wrote "I've been having fun at your house" A huge admittion from him. I had a race to get to first thing in the morning.. (full report is here ) Then we grabbed some lunch and then... I had to drop my sweetie off at the airport.

While I'm not as bothered by him going to Dallas as I was about him going to Vegas. (He's alone this time... it's DALLAS for goodness sake) I'm still away from the one I love, and it SUCKS! Hello, do you hear me!? This SUCKS! Just to prove that God still loves me, though, I started my period on Saturday. This means I'll be done when he gets back! I couldn't have picked better timing! And it also means that I am now... officially... back on the pill! So not only will I be done when he gets back from this trip, but I'll be able to jump his bones and not worry about... stuff.

Anyway, back to Sunday. After dropping off my love, the kids and I hung out, and then made the 130 mile trip to return the car to Grandma and the kids back off at their dad's. Then, in protest of being home alone, I went out to one of my favorite bars and sang karaoke until 1:30am before driving home and finally falling asleep at 4:00am.

Whew! Could I pack anymore into two whole days off?

On another note, I talked to my mom on Sunday. You know the whole "Happy Mother's Day" thing. I talk to my mom about once a month weather it's Mother's day or not, so it wasn't that big a deal. She's waiting to hear if insurance is going to approve her boob job. Yes, you heard that right, my mom's getting a reduction. I have to admit, it's one of the few times my mom and I don't see eye to eye on something. Don't get me wrong, I'll love her no matter what, but sheesh, you're going to let them put a knife, where? And on purpose?! In truth I really don't understand the motivation. I mean, in today's society who's looking to get smaller? And not just smaller but SMALLER! She wants to be a C! She's going from gynormous to average! (or even less if you check out today's busty teens) The only thing I can think of as a rational reason is my mom doesn't have much experience being average and now she has a chance, at least in this respect. For one, she's only 5'1" (and that's with shoes on). She HATES being short and is certain that she's discriminated against because of it. She's very pretty, doesn't look her age, and is extremely smart (Graduated with high honors from collage a few years back). So maybe this boob job her finally getting that chance. Or maybe she's just tired of big boobs? I dunno. I couldn't do it. Sorry Mom!

It's a Grab Bag Friday
There were so many things I wanted to rant about that I may just have to take up a bit of bandwidth here today.

Meet the Aunts
So N's family from across the sea came over to visit the family members that live on this side of the pond, and that included the obligatory dinner with N to meet me the 'new fiance'. I wasn't as nervous about meeting these 'distant relatives' as I was about meeting the 'rents' and the 'big sis' but I was... unsettled. They were nice. That is, if you can truely form an opinion of someone after 3 hours. The 'rents' and the big sis drove the aunt and the cousin to our house and they were all there waiting when I pulled into the driveway after work. So, I brought them inside and settled them in. Nothing like meeting the family of your beloved without your actual beloved there to 'buffer' a bit. I made polite conversation and while settling everyone in had to intervene when 'the aunt' tried to 'knee' the ottoman out of the way to get more comfortable in the 'big overstuffed chair with ottoman combo'. You see, my ottoman is hollow and I use it to store my dumbbells and all the plates. The damn thing weighs over 80 pounds and is VERY un-keeable. So I scoot it out a bit and explain to the room that it's heavy because of aforementioned weights. 'The cousin' seems impressed and says "ooo! Does N lift dumbbells?"

You know, in movies, when someone asks a question and the whole room goes quiet and everyone turns to stare at the person who's the target of the question? I swear that's what happened. I wanted to just slink away, but instead had to say. "Ah, no, they're mine."

I think it took a moment or two for those words to sink into her head. And she tried, very hard to come up with an appropriate answer but to no avail. It was like the idea of a woman lifting weights wouldn't pass through the filters in her brain. It was just too... AMERICAN. And it brought to light one of my biggest fears around N's family. Being TOO American.

Apparently I made up for my Americaness later though because as 'the family' was leaving and the hugs goodbye were being passed, 'the cousin' gave me a squeeze and whispered in my ear 'I have a feeling we are going to be related very soon!' And she managed to sounded HAPPY about it.

Buddy can you spare a dime
As you may have deduced we live very near a large city. As a matter of fact before my financial situation deemed otherwise I used to live in said large city. Don't get me wrong, we don't live close enough to be considered 'the suburbs' but we are close enough to consider 'the city' a viable evening destination point. My job often takes me there for various meetings as well.

As is true in most large cities we have a homeless population. A very LARGE homeless population. And to my chagrin, yours truly seems to be a homeless person magnet. I cannot walk through the streets without being approached. Even when walking with a large group of people I'm the one who gets singled out every time. I don't know why. One of my friends said it was because "You look like Fifty cents". Before I could get in a snit about being told I look like a two bit whore he went on to explain that I looked like I was an easy mark, good for at least 'fifty cents'.

I have no idea what I do wrong. I don't make eye contact. I walk briskly and with purpose and try to appear as 'unapproachable' as possible, but still, they come. And I don't hand out money either! When approached I usually try desperately to shrink into myself and murmur a quiet. "No, I'm sorry" or "No thank you". Of course my friends try to tell me that this is exactly the problem. That instead I should fly into a rage and start screaming obscenities at them. But I couldn't even do that in practice. It's just not in me to be rude to someone I don't know well enough to be rude to.

But the strangest thing is that MOST of the time I'm not approached for money. At least that's not what they say directly. Once a lady stopped me to tell me she loved my glasses and she wanted to find out where I bought them. I've been followed for blocks by men telling me how amazingly blue my eyes are, or how much they like my legs. One lady though it her duty to tell me "GIRL! That outfit just doesn't go right, I'm sorry girl! But that just doesn't go right". This from the lady in pee stained jeans, a pink sweater and lime green scarf.

Yesterday, coming back from lunch I was doing my best to not look like fifty cents when it happened again. I hear this voice, and it came from the man walking toward me with hair and a beard that you would swear nested birds and probably a mouse or two. He shouted at me as we passed..."I like your shoes!"