To all the men I've 'loved' before
He was almost thirty, married, so smart he was intimidating, and good looking. Not GQ good looking, but the kind of good looking that attracts almost every women and makes men question "what's he got that I don't?" He listened to Rush Limbaul and Ollie North every day, watched Start Trek at night, and was mysteriously stoic. The kind of man who drew a woman in, making her hope that SHE would be the one to crack that intellectual exterior to find the tender, warm man you knew was hiding inside.

I was twenty-seven, married, had three children and had yet to discover the power of self confidence and attraction of self esteem. I was shy and amazed when, while talking to him, he would listen to and value my opinion.

He was my boss.

I often wondered, if we had met under other circumstances if things would have been different. But, he was always businesslike, appropriate, a model of decorum. I maintained the illusion, though my thoughts about him were rarely businesslike or appropriate. I spent my days hyper aware of him. Anytime he spoke to me, I hung on to every word. If he leaned close to me to point out something on the computer, I could feel his presence as acutely as if he was a flame instead of flesh and blood. My skin would heat up and I would have trouble focusing on whatever he was pointing out or explaining. As far as I know, he never knew. If he felt anything in return,he never showed it.

And yet, he was the best affair I never had.

Midnight Musings
As I was laying in bed last night TRYING to fall asleep for the fourth night this week I started thinking. As is normal for my post slumber brain it started down some really bizarre paths.

So, I started thinking. What if life was like Final Fantasy.

No, I don't mean everyone running around with a sword, and monsters pop up everywhere unexpectedly.

No, I don't mean that sin has taken physical form and is terrorizing the planet.

NO! I don't mean that we can use magic and call fire from our fingertips... though... that would be cool.


OK, so I don't really mean I wish life was like FF, but there is one aspect of it that I wish we could bring into the real world.

Would you shut up and let me finish!

Ahem. Let's say you're a project manager.

Yes, I know you're not a project manager, I'm a project manager, but let's just say you are one ok?

Ok, then you can be a fighter pilot

Ok, a Policeman

Ok, a Pirate

Ok... DAMN IT! No! You're a project manager.

ANYWAY. Let's say you're a project manager and you come to work each day, and you slay your monsters...

Yes, I KNOW I said there WERE no monsters, I meant that metaphorically, can I go on now?

So, you go to work each day and slay your monsters......

And for slaying monsters you get experience points, and as you gain experience points, your skill levels go up and eventually you get to `level up' and now you're a level TWO project manager. As you continue the tasks get more complex, but that's ok because you've got more skills, and you get even more experience points.

The best part is that you would be able check up on your experience points and you could see how far you are from getting to the next `level'. Leveling up would have consistent and constant requirements instead of John and I having the same experience points and HIM being a level 5 Project managers, and I still on level one.

But life isn't like that. Instead I'm stuck here, bored out of my skull with the skills needed to tackle the boss monster, and only being allowed into foyer of the castle. And still wishing I could shoot fire out of my ... fingers.

Can we talk?
There are few things I miss about my marriage. (Ok, next nothing) But there is one thing I've discovered I currently lack, friends. And I don't mean the people necessarily, after all most of them were `his' friends, but the concept of it all. The being able to call up, and go for ice cream, or a movie or even just hang out at each other's houses.

Don't get me wrong. N and I are best friends, and I really don't need someone to confess my whoas. or bitch about my life too. But it's those `activity partners' I miss, the folks that gave you a reason to go out and do things, because you were doing it with someone and you couldn't flake out on them.

It's not like I've ever been very good at the friend thing. In my adult years, most of my `girl friends' were people I worked with, and when the job went, so went the friend. I also had `church friends', and `couple friends'. But with the divorce, I drifted away from most of them as well. My best friend before I met N was a `work' friend and we actually managed to stay friends after I left that job, for a while. But she never was very reliable. I'd call her, we would make plans, I would drive over to meet her, only to call and find out she had gone to spend time with her family, or something like that. Needless to say, we haven't seen much of each other in the past three years.

My current position doesn't really lend itself to making friends either. I'm a consultant, an outsider in most places, not someone you invite over for drinks after a day at the office. And the people who are actually part of my company? I see so little of them that there isn't much of a point.

N's isn't the best at friendship either. One of the myriad of things we have in common. His best friend (J)? The weekend before N and I met, J took N out, got him drunk and confessed that he was gay. The gay part wasn't an issue, but the fact that J had been lying to for two years was. And the one time we tried to all go out together after that? Every time N would leave, J would be all OVER me. I finally had to tell the guy to knock it off or I was going to kick his ass.

So, that leaves us where we are now, alone together. And while not an entirely bad thing, I still find myself wishing, now and then, that they had a website for people like us. Couples seeking `hangout partners'. Heh - yeah.

Spam, Spam, Bacon and Spam
Like most people I get a lot of spam. Most of it I just ignore, and of that a great percentage of it is downright disgusting, but now and then, a piece of mail makes it through all the spork detectors, and I find myself reading it.

Because I am a professional, and have been looking into furthering my education I get a certain amount of mail relating to education with the working adult in mind. Some of these I'm actually interested in, so it's no wonder that, at first glance I thought this was legitimate mail. After all, it started like all the others:

Have you ever thought that the only thing stopping you from a great job and better pay was a few letters behind your name? Well now you can get them!

BA BSc MA MSc MBA PhD

"Fine, good, GREAT!" You say. "Please tell me more!" you beg. Of course they are only happy to, and here's where the warning bells start to go off...

Within 2 weeks , No Study Required, Completley verifiable!

Uh.. WHAT? I can get a PhD in two weeks? You, being the bright consumer that you are of course ask the next logical question, "Is this for real?"

These are real, genuine degrees that include Bachelors, Masters and Doctorate degrees.
Student records and transcripts are also available.

W-Wait a minute. You can give me transcripts of classes I never too, from a collage I never went to? Of course sign me up! I'm always happy to be a party to FRAUD!!!

What bothers me more then the people who send out this crap, is the 3% of the people out here who will acutally respond to it!

Yeah Baby
Not much really going on in my life right now. Things are quiet, my hormones are stable don't tell anyone but ... life is good.

N's 'thyroid' problem has made his voice 'froggy'. So now he sounds very 'Barry White'ish. I don't think I like it. Talking to him on the phone makes me feel like I'm cheeting! And, while there was a time in my life when I would have cherished the thrill and just RAN with it for some reason I just con't pull it off today.

Since Zoot left everyone and anyone the keys to her blog, I thought I would post over there. And since it's probably one of the best things I've written.. I'm going to link it here. God I wish I could come up with stuff like that EVERY day!

Check it out

Potty Talk

Tell me if you like - or you think it sucks...

Just so you know what you're getting into here.

As if I didn't know...
Topic: Quizes




Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

*cough*cough* He's sick - we think...
Well, about the only news I have has to do with N and his mysterious illness. He went to the Dr. She was pretty puzzled about what was going on because he doesn't have any other symtoms. She does know WHAT'S causing the pain, just not why. It's his Thyroid. It's swollen, painful, and causing his swollowing issues. But, he hasn't gained or lost weight, isn't running a feaver, no aches or pains, just the sore throat. So she's running some test and we'll know more later.

Last night was really quiet. N came home and after dinner went right to sleep. I've done rather well with keeping up my resolutions. I'm trying to train myself so when I'm in a room I look for something I can pick up or put away while I'm in there. It's actually kind of satisfying feeling. I also did the dishes last night and waking up this morning with dishes to make breakfast with was a really nice change! I may get used to this... heh.. RIGHT. but I can keep trying.

In other news - Um, I don't have other news! Imagine that!

Yeah, I'm Bragging
I just wanted to share what has to be the best picture I've taken in my entire life.