The Longer Version (with photos)
I'm finally back - I was really busy at work today planning my vacation next weekend.... I mean, working very hard on all those things they pay me to plan! Yeah, that's it. But, before I start in on NEXT weekend. Let me tell you about this past weekend.

Friday -

Dear Walmart, Please forgive me for abandoning you for so many years!

After my well-documented meltdown on Friday morning, I took a look at all the things I needed to do before going camping, and decided I REALLY needed to get out of the office! So I cleared up everything I could, shut down the computer and took off. My first stop was Walmart. Now, I've been to Walmart a few times in the past few years, but it's usually just to run to the toy section at Christmas time, or through the school supplies at back to school time. This time, since I was on my own I decided to take a little detour.

I think I've documented the fact (occasionally) that clothes shopping isn't the EASIEST thing for me. 1) because I have very particular taste, and 2) because I have trouble finding things in my size. But here I was in Walmart, a place I quit shopping in YEARS ago because of the CRAPPINESS of the clothes, and I was seeing blouse after blouse that I felt just HAD to find a new home in my closet! Yes - I'll admit it, I bought FOUR blouses from Walmart! And I'm GLAD! Oh, and I picked up the electric cooler I went IN there for as well.

After that, there was a trip to Keiser to pick up some `little pink pills' that were necessary to fully enjoy the weekend, a stop at the grocery store, and then the gas station. Then it was home - and we were off. In case you wondered we DID christen our tent!

Saturday -

Well, anyday that starts with mimosas and ends in THIS

is a good one. We didn't actually DO the keg shots but we enjoyed watching. In between all that?

Views like this:

A BBQ and line dancing!

Sunday -

We got up early enough to walk the beach at low tide and check out the tide pools -

Then we headed home and spent the rest of the time recovering!

This place had beaches, hills, fireplaces - the works! It was the perfect place for walking, holding hands, kissing, and talking... we loved every minute of it

The Short Version
This weekend was paid for by my company and as such it was supposed to be a 'bonding' opportunity for coworkers. In that sense it was a failure. But for the reason _I_ went... Alone time with my sweetheard in the company of other adults? It was PERFECT.

Bonds were reinforced - loved reafirmed - communication reestablished.

YAY!

Sometimes my job skills come in handy
Things have been going on - things that I can't seem to articulate. Lately I've been thinking "Why oh Why does this man love me?" and more and more I've been wondering if has the same thought... I can't tell you why I've been feeling so 'unworthy'... Anyway. Today I came to work in tears. I had cried all the way into work and then just sat at my desk sniffling. Finally, I broke down and wrote a letter:

N,

Maybe it's just a pity party I'm having right now. And just as you said, it's probably not attractive, but it's not an act. It's not something I'm doing to garner attention or spite you. And maybe you feel I'm being silly and there is nothing you can do to make this feeling of mine go away. And maybe you're right - but I do feel like there are some things I need right now.

I need you to hold me. I feel as if I'm falling apart here, and you are my superglue. Every time you hold me, it's as if I'll be able to keep from flying pieces, just that much longer. I need you to look into my eye and tell me "I know you're a poop head, but I love you anyway." You see, you used to laugh with me, when I did something stupid, now you get upset and I have to wonder, what's caused the change? And of course my mind rushes to worse possible scenario, because I'm just THAT hard on myself.

I've been feeling less and less sure of myself lately. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I've been struggling with loosing weight again. Maybe it's the hormones. Who knows. I just know, that you used to tell me I was beautiful, and for that moment, I believed that I was. You used to tell me I was smart, and I would think, yeah, I am. You used to tell me I was perfect, and I thought, "No I'm not, but as long as you think so, all is right in the world." But, I'm not perfect anymore. I'm annoying and frustrating. And maybe my fears, and worries are only more frustrating, but I can't seem to stop them.

The two most common fears in the world are dieing and public speaking. Neither of those worry me. What worries me is losing you. And I don't mean just the part where you get so fed up you walk out. No, I worry more about the day to day grind of life, dulling and blunting our emotions until what was once this amazing, delightful thing has been turned to a little puff of dust.

The fear of you not loving me makes me ill, because there is no doubt in my mind that you are my ONE...my ONLY. There is no one in the world who will fit me, fill me, and make me whole the way that you do. Life without you would be dull and incomplete. I used to think that if you ever left me, that I could go back to my life `before'. That I would live alone and be content. But after your trip to Las Vegas, and the Dallas I realized that there was no contentment in being without you. Yeah, I could go out to a club or dinner or anything that I wanted, but there is no where I would rather be then at home, sitting on the couch with you.

This has been long, and convoluted, I know. I thought that maybe writing it would make me feel better, but it hasn't. I'm still afraid, more so now then ever. But I'm going to try to put these things out of my head. I've looked forward to this weekend for Months and I'm not going to let my little pity party ruin it.

I love you - more then I think you realize

S

I sent this email, knowing it would be a while before he got it. The later it got, though, the better I felt, and the less I wanted him to read that email. So I just broke into his email and deleted it.

Was that wrong?

So, we finally had "The Talk" with my daughter
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I have a daughter. (Truthfully, I have two. But only one of them is a teenager. - so far) I worry about her - after all, who wishes the same anxiety and neuroses that we had, on our children? And I was one MESSED up kid.

Overall, I think I've been pretty lucky. She's smart, she gets good grades. She likes boys but isn't obsessed with them. She dresses nice without being a slave to fashion. She has friends but doesn't have the pressure of being 'popular'. She's involved in school (Softball, Water Polo, Drama) but has time for outside activities like Jobs Daughters. And Luckily, she seems to have a pretty good body image. Yeah, she says things once in a while that make me want to pinch her, but overall I would say she's got a good handle on this issue. She accepts her curvy hips, and lack of ass with a droll humour that I admire.

But still, I cringe every time I see her leafing through a teen magazine. After all they SCREEM "You arn't good enough..." from every page. And so I figured it was time for "The talk" I sat her down and started to explain. "Honey, I want to talk about an important issue. You see, those pictures, those women. They aren't real. And I don't want you to start to compare yourself to them, or feel you have to live up to that sort of standard. Then I showed her This . It's a GREAT example of what they DO to those pictures before publishing them in magazines... and if that wasn't enough, check out This and for you men - This

To my surprise, N was even more upset and ultimately appalled by the pictures then C was... Men, don't mess with their fantasies!

Shall dig out my white glove?
At first I thought it was my imagination, or perhaps just a local thing, but then I started seeing it in more and more places. A ruffled miniskirt here, a splash of neon there - and last night it was confirmed. The eighties are back!

How did this happen? Aren't I too young to be seeing the clothes I wore in high school on the teens of today? I think my daughter is getting a little tired of me saying, "Hey, I had a skirt JUST LIKE THAT." 1000 times as we walk through the mall.

I fought against it so hard, but the evidence became overwhelming. Ruffled mini-skirts aside I also saw: Lace tank-tops covered by off the shoulder t-shirts; doubled polo shirts of contrasting colors WITH collar upturned; and the coup de gras? Leg warmers! Someone kill me - NOW

Your file has been saved
I wish I could backup my brain to disk. I mean, think how useful that would be.

Like last night, I was laying in bed awake, and had managed to compose the PERFECT blog entry. All I could think about was how I wish that right then and there I could download that entry and save it to disk.

And then there are other uses. People like my mother who have, due to the use of certain substances, and working nights and raising four kids, (though I think really it was the Dope) years in her life where her memories are like trying to watch HBO, scrambled. Some days they are rather clear, and others you don't know WHAT you're watching. It would be so cool to save my clearer sharper memories of those years. Memories of my brothers and sister as babies, and be able to give them to my mother. What a mother's day present THAT would be!

And what about the elderly, those with senility or Alzheimer's? If, say once a year, they downloaded their memories to disk, when they started to lose those memories they would have them always to replay.

But then I thought: What would be worse - losing your memories, or watching those you had saved and not recognizing that they belonged to you?

Linxies
Everyone hurry over to Here and check out the very D&D appropriate songs my Buddy the Bearded Troll has written - guarenteed to be a giggle!

Yeah - I can so relate!
I just found my most favorite blog - EVA

Illuvatoar

The wheels on the bus go round and round
I was reading Dooce recently (Ok, not RECENTLY I've read her for a while now - every day) and noticed that she?s been talking about traveling with little ones. This brought back some memories of mine that I thought would be fun to share.

I spent 10 years in Wyoming with my Mom and Step-Dad while most of the rest of my family lived California. Because of this, about once a year we would journey to California, and because we were po? folk we would either drive or take Greyhound.

This was before the airline deregulation, and because of that air travel was expensive and the people on the bus were a much broader spectrum of society then they usually are today. But it wasn?t any more comfortable. We would get on a bus one day, and usually spend two nights on board before arriving at our destination on the third day out.

The trip I?m thinking of in particular, was with my Mom, my brother who was about three, my other brother who was about one, and me. I was probably eleven. Even though well planned, the trip had it?s ?moments?. We?re talking three and one year old little boys here, and though we tried to keep them calm and entertained, they at one time or another were to be found, climbing on the seats, running up and down the isles and/or driving a car across some stranger?s knee.

Most folks were rather patient. It probably helped that my mom was young and pretty and obviously worn out. One man was particularly kind. When the three year old sat in the seat next to him, and then fell asleep he didn?t say a word. When he wiggled and squirmed and, as a three year old who?s sleeping usually does, stretched out to take all the available space he simply let him sprawl across his lap. When my brother peed in his sleep and left a urine smelling wet spot down the front of his pants? he only screamed a little.

Is it Monday already?
Mood:  lucky
4:00 Friday N and I were on the phone doing our 'normal' routine...

Me: What would you like to do this weekend?
N: I don't know do you have any ideas?
Me: Not really... any ideas yet?
N: No, you?
Me: No... you know we don't have any kids tonight for the first time in AGES I think we should do SOMETHING
N: But we don't have any money!
Me: Well... We do have XXX even after paying for the car repairs
N: Really? a Well let's DO something then.
Me: I think it's your turn to deside
N: Alright - I'll go home, through some clothes in a bag and we'll drive to Tahoe
Me: OK! see you in a few!

And we did! By 6:00 we were on the road and by 10:00pm we were in Reno (slight change of plans enrout) It was fun to be so spontanious, though we didn't win a cent! I was kind of bummed at how tight the slot machines were. I got on a craps table and managed to play for a long time, but didn't win any money (broke even)

Saturday morning we started for home. We left Reno at about 6:30am as I was supposed to pick up the girls at Ikea and the ex had said he would be there 'when they opened'. So I called when we were almost home. They hadn't even LEFT monkeytown yet. I told C to call me when they finally got to Ikea. that ended up being about 2:00pm! BUT it gave me a lot of time to catch up on the sleep I had lost the night before. Spent most of the rest of the afternoon shopping - woo hoo loads of fun!

Sunday we desided to head to the beach. It gave C a chance to try out the bathing suit we bought on Saturday. The beach was great, though we did have an exciting moment when mediflight tried to land on the beach next to us. It seems some gentleman had collapsed. He eded up being alright. The water was FREEZING as is normal for Northern California beaches, but we made the best of it. When we came home we grabbed some pizza and C and I picked up some 'girl stuff'from the store. We then sat around and watch black and white movies while giving each other facials and eating pizza. A great ending to the GREAT day.

Today - WE GOT THE VAN FIXED!! yay yay yay! We now have our vehicle back, I am SO happy! Took it for a drive after just 'because'. Ok, actually took the little one down to get her hair cut since she's been begging for a while now...

OH and I bought tickes for a show for C and I. It's her 16'th birthday present....Cavalia

this is just another example of why I love my man so much...

Saturday on the way to pick up the girls, we drive past Golden Gate fields and notice they are setting up a tent. As we get closer we see the sign Cavalia! I mentioned that I had wanted to take C there, but 1) I thought we had missed it this year, and 2) they were EXPENSIVE!

So on a lark I went to this web page today - it was breaktaking. From there we 'of course' checked prices and WHEW! it was expensive as I expected. And what does N say? Well he hands me his credit card and says "Get tickets for the two of you... and get a VIP tickets, because this is a once in a lifetime kind of thing and if you are going to do it, you may as well go all the way..." Did I mention that the VIP tickets were $169 each? HAH _I_ have tickets for opening night and I get to take my daughter and she's thrilled! Ok - I'M TRILLED too... I'll give a full report after - I assure you.

And that gets you up to date